28 Days Later

No rage-infected crazy people here, I promise (although the rest of my post may say differently).  I stand firmly on the side that the film 28 Days Later did not have zombies because the people didn't die before the infection took hold... but I digress.

Anyway...

So it's been one month since my miscarriage.  I know, I know... it seems like I've talked about nothing else.  I have other subjects I want to discuss, but like I've said, miscarriages aren't talked about and it should be.  And dealing with the post-event is just as important as the actual event.  I have talked with so many women in my life, learning from their experiences and them learning from mine.  It is amazing to hear everyone's stories and has helped me get thru those hard days.

This past month has been a trial, that is for sure.  The first week post-miscarriage was scary, but not the way you would imagine.  I felt great.  I had very little depression.  I was talking about the experience with a slight disconnect.  I worried that I was over the trauma too soon... that something must be wrong with me.  From an evolution standpoint, feeling happy and disconnected with the loss for the week after makes complete sense.  I read somewhere a woman is most fertile right after giving birth and right after having a miscarriage.  So back when the earth wasn't overrun with people and infant mortality was practically guaranteed, it was important to have many children very quickly.  And when your hormones are making you feel good, even after a loss, it's easier to have sex.  So evolution says feel the best when you are most likely to conceive.  It's genius really.

But then I hit the next week and the hormones decided to take a roller coaster ride.  Every day was different; I wouldn't know if I would be okay or deeply depressed.  A total crap shoot.  Many days I just barely got thru work to come home and cry on the couch.  Imagine PMS on steroids and it just doesn't stop.  And the most unexpected side effect?  TMI ALERT!!  Sex.  Total lack of interest in anything sex related.  Honestly, I was a little afraid of it.  In my crazy, hormonal head, sex meant getting pregnant again, which meant another miscarriage and I know with every fiber of my being that I would not be able to get thru another one so soon.  What's that you say?  There are serious flaws in my logic, such as there's no guarantee of getting pregnant right away (even more so because we would be using birth control) and still, there's no guarantee it would end in another miscarriage?  Yes, I am aware.  In my head, I understood the silliness of that fear.  But remember that roller coaster my hormones was taking?  You know how even though you know you're perfectly safe on the ride, you still scream your head off?  It's kinda like that.  Smart reasoning doesn't stand a chance here.  Yeah, not fun for either John or I.  Oh my poor, dear husband.  I don't know how he put up with it all, emotions flying everywhere, no sex with the wife.  And I gotta say, it is extremely weird, satisfying, and highly annoying to know that you are feeling the way you are because of the hormones.  I'm the type of person who likes to take a step back, evaluate the situation, and try to get to the core of the problem to resolve it.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  But I still like to at least attempt.  So knowing I couldn't reason my way out of feeling this way because the hormones would keep going doing whatever they wanted... well, it really sucked.

I also, dare I say, started looking forward to at least another 2 months of non-pregnancy.  Time to be able to do the things I couldn't if I was with child: Go drinking, do something dangerous I always wanted to do like skydiving, spend money on a weekend away with friends.  It was an unexpected freedom... which immediately brought along a truckload of guilt for feeling happy about that freedom.  I will say I did 2 of those things last week; I went to a convention for the weekend with friends in Chicago (some of whom I hadn't seen in 4 years, keeping in contact only thru Facebook) and did some serious drinking.  I also talked about my miscarriage openly, inadvertently started a cry-fest with several friends as we all unloaded some emotional baggage (aahhh, the power of alcohol), but most importantly, I had a weekend of fun, laughter, and meeting new friends.  Like I said in my other miscarriage post, making me laugh is the best healing I can ask for.

So here we are.  Life is continuing along as I knew it would.  We got a beautiful dog named River, who will be getting her own post soon.  Work is very busy with theatre calls coming in left and right (more on than another day... with photos!) and massage will start to book up for the holiday season soon, so I gotta take care of myself both physically and mentally.  In a few weeks time, we will be hosting Thanksgiving for John's side of the family.  Another thing about me is I LOVE cooking, so the menu has already begun to form.  I'll probably do a test run of the new recipes before, just to check... and if most of them happen to be the desserts, then so be it.  :)

Overall, I'm doing okay.  Some days are better than others.  And we have another month before we can try to get pregnant again.  Gotta give my hormones time to get onto the less crazy tea-cup ride.  But in retrospect, I do not think we will start trying again right away.  There are still a few things I want to do that are hard/impossible when pregnant or living with an infant.  Vacation overseas.  Go back to Haiti to volunteer at least once.  Get my massage business farther along.  Do the house renovations we've needed.  Save more money.  And while physically I will be in the clear, losing the pregnancy has messed with my head more than I'd like to admit, so we'll have to re-evaluate where I am mentally when the time gomes.  That's not to say we won't ever try again.  I still want a child, as does John.  And at least now we know we can get pregnant, which was a bit of a question mark on both our ends.  But I'm 26 and still feel like I have more to do.

And so I shall.  Maybe this is just the kick in the ass I needed to go do those things I always wanted to do, but never did.

Or maybe I go Stumble! for 3 hours.