I obviously have not been posting a whole lot recently and there is a great reason for my lack of writing. I promise.
.......
Okay, not a great reason... but a good reason. Semi-good. Ok, fine. Stop twisting my arm. It's one of the worst reasons for not keeping up a blog. I've been busy,! Yes, I have been working very hard and just haven't found the time to write. Now I know the whole point of the blog is write about all the great things going on, but when you are working from 8am to 10pm and staying up until 2am trying to get personal stuff done, blogging just doesn't fit into that scenario. I am painting the scenery for another show that goes up in a few weeks, so that's great money and even better photos, massage has gotten quite busy at the spa, I created my massage website (!!!), started to prepare for Thanksgiving AND (wait for it... it's pretty awesome), I'm participating in an International Scavenger Hunt! We are breaking the Guinness World Record. More on that later (I keep saying that but never seem to write the posts....), but let's just say this week is filled with things like squirting someone in the face with Cheez Whiz from 40 feet above, taking a balloon animal to the vet, and dressing up as a superhero and helping people push their carts to their cars. Yeah.... craziness.
Okay, that's all I can write for now. I have to go make a stop-motion film wherein a Cabbage Patch doll gives a striptease. And get my apple bread pudding out of the oven.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Muffins
Hello everyone. My name is Jessica and I am a dish whore.
Yes, I am able to admit now that I crave the thrill and give into it often. Sifting powders while adding liquids, mixing into a thick batter that is divided and grows into deliciousness. Chopping vegetables and artfully arranging them around a fresh, bloody slab of home-grown beef. There is nothing like cooking a delicious meal, creating everything from pancakes to a mashed potatoes in the comfort of your own home. Sometimes I even share the spoils of (my kitchen) war.
Unfortunately, with cooking, especially baking, comes dishes. And I do not like cleaning dishes. In fact, the sink is more often than not filled to the brim because of my lacking skill. Usually caked in some sort of thick sweetness that was delicious a few days ago.
Recently, I tried this recipe for Banana Muffins on a whim. The fact that I had bananas in my fridge that were going bad in a day and I wanted to use them is beside the point. The true point is this recipe uses minimal dishes, which is always good (or so my husband says). And oh yeah, they are frickin' delicious! Really, I know they are! I shared them and everyone said so. Plus, if you are getting tired of pumpkin, but still want something that feels within the season, then you are all set. So go make them and feel good about eating half before sharing because they have fruit in them, so that makes them healthy!
..... right?
Fun Party Fact to Share with Complete Strangers About Bananas: If your bananas ripen before you are ready to use them, peel the ripe bananas and store them in a plastic bag in the freezer until you're ready to use them. Yay!
Banana Muffins
Yields about 18
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 eggs
3 large ripe bananas (Bananas can be slightly green or slightly over-ripe)
2 cups white flour (I want to try making it with wheat flour... if anyone does, let me know how it tastes!)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts (But you can substitute with almonds or pecans.)
- Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Oil/spray the muffin tin (I used a cupcake one without any paper liners. It gave a good size and shape.)
- With an electric mixer, beat the oil, sugar, eggs, and bananas until well blended.
- Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Fold the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients.
- Add the vanilla extract, chocolate chips, and nuts. The chocolate chips and nuts are optional, but why on earth would you not want chocolate?!
- Spoon the batter into the muffin tin, filling about 3/4 of the way. Bake for 20 minutes.
- Cool on a rack. Stuff face.
And voila!
Yes, I am able to admit now that I crave the thrill and give into it often. Sifting powders while adding liquids, mixing into a thick batter that is divided and grows into deliciousness. Chopping vegetables and artfully arranging them around a fresh, bloody slab of home-grown beef. There is nothing like cooking a delicious meal, creating everything from pancakes to a mashed potatoes in the comfort of your own home. Sometimes I even share the spoils of (my kitchen) war.
Unfortunately, with cooking, especially baking, comes dishes. And I do not like cleaning dishes. In fact, the sink is more often than not filled to the brim because of my lacking skill. Usually caked in some sort of thick sweetness that was delicious a few days ago.
Recently, I tried this recipe for Banana Muffins on a whim. The fact that I had bananas in my fridge that were going bad in a day and I wanted to use them is beside the point. The true point is this recipe uses minimal dishes, which is always good (or so my husband says). And oh yeah, they are frickin' delicious! Really, I know they are! I shared them and everyone said so. Plus, if you are getting tired of pumpkin, but still want something that feels within the season, then you are all set. So go make them and feel good about eating half before sharing because they have fruit in them, so that makes them healthy!
..... right?
Fun Party Fact to Share with Complete Strangers About Bananas: If your bananas ripen before you are ready to use them, peel the ripe bananas and store them in a plastic bag in the freezer until you're ready to use them. Yay!
Banana Muffins
Yields about 18
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 eggs
3 large ripe bananas (Bananas can be slightly green or slightly over-ripe)
2 cups white flour (I want to try making it with wheat flour... if anyone does, let me know how it tastes!)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts (But you can substitute with almonds or pecans.)
- Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Oil/spray the muffin tin (I used a cupcake one without any paper liners. It gave a good size and shape.)
- With an electric mixer, beat the oil, sugar, eggs, and bananas until well blended.
- Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Fold the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients.
- Add the vanilla extract, chocolate chips, and nuts. The chocolate chips and nuts are optional, but why on earth would you not want chocolate?!
- Spoon the batter into the muffin tin, filling about 3/4 of the way. Bake for 20 minutes.
- Cool on a rack. Stuff face.
And voila!
 |
| My classmates ate all of them before I could get a picture... so this is the last lonely muffin. |
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Things I Say At Work
"Hey, do any of you guys have a tampon?"
"Yeah, here you go."
"Thanks so much."
"Here, take another."
"That's okay. I only have the one vagina."
---------------------------------------
"The bag of glitter says 'apply with glue or glitter gun'... What is a glitter gun?"
"I'm picturing something along the lines of a grenade launcher or potato cannon. Fill it with glitter. POM!!! GLITTER EVERWHERE!!!"
"Yeah, here you go."
"Thanks so much."
"Here, take another."
"That's okay. I only have the one vagina."
---------------------------------------
"The bag of glitter says 'apply with glue or glitter gun'... What is a glitter gun?"
"I'm picturing something along the lines of a grenade launcher or potato cannon. Fill it with glitter. POM!!! GLITTER EVERWHERE!!!"
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
28 Days Later
No rage-infected crazy people here, I promise (although the rest of my post may say differently). I stand firmly on the side that the film 28 Days Later did not have zombies because the people didn't die before the infection took hold... but I digress.
Anyway...
So it's been one month since my miscarriage. I know, I know... it seems like I've talked about nothing else. I have other subjects I want to discuss, but like I've said, miscarriages aren't talked about and it should be. And dealing with the post-event is just as important as the actual event. I have talked with so many women in my life, learning from their experiences and them learning from mine. It is amazing to hear everyone's stories and has helped me get thru those hard days.
This past month has been a trial, that is for sure. The first week post-miscarriage was scary, but not the way you would imagine. I felt great. I had very little depression. I was talking about the experience with a slight disconnect. I worried that I was over the trauma too soon... that something must be wrong with me. From an evolution standpoint, feeling happy and disconnected with the loss for the week after makes complete sense. I read somewhere a woman is most fertile right after giving birth and right after having a miscarriage. So back when the earth wasn't overrun with people and infant mortality was practically guaranteed, it was important to have many children very quickly. And when your hormones are making you feel good, even after a loss, it's easier to have sex. So evolution says feel the best when you are most likely to conceive. It's genius really.
But then I hit the next week and the hormones decided to take a roller coaster ride. Every day was different; I wouldn't know if I would be okay or deeply depressed. A total crap shoot. Many days I just barely got thru work to come home and cry on the couch. Imagine PMS on steroids and it just doesn't stop. And the most unexpected side effect? TMI ALERT!! Sex. Total lack of interest in anything sex related. Honestly, I was a little afraid of it. In my crazy, hormonal head, sex meant getting pregnant again, which meant another miscarriage and I know with every fiber of my being that I would not be able to get thru another one so soon. What's that you say? There are serious flaws in my logic, such as there's no guarantee of getting pregnant right away (even more so because we would be using birth control) and still, there's no guarantee it would end in another miscarriage? Yes, I am aware. In my head, I understood the silliness of that fear. But remember that roller coaster my hormones was taking? You know how even though you know you're perfectly safe on the ride, you still scream your head off? It's kinda like that. Smart reasoning doesn't stand a chance here. Yeah, not fun for either John or I. Oh my poor, dear husband. I don't know how he put up with it all, emotions flying everywhere, no sex with the wife. And I gotta say, it is extremely weird, satisfying, and highly annoying to know that you are feeling the way you are because of the hormones. I'm the type of person who likes to take a step back, evaluate the situation, and try to get to the core of the problem to resolve it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I still like to at least attempt. So knowing I couldn't reason my way out of feeling this way because the hormones would keep going doing whatever they wanted... well, it really sucked.
I also, dare I say, started looking forward to at least another 2 months of non-pregnancy. Time to be able to do the things I couldn't if I was with child: Go drinking, do something dangerous I always wanted to do like skydiving, spend money on a weekend away with friends. It was an unexpected freedom... which immediately brought along a truckload of guilt for feeling happy about that freedom. I will say I did 2 of those things last week; I went to a convention for the weekend with friends in Chicago (some of whom I hadn't seen in 4 years, keeping in contact only thru Facebook) and did some serious drinking. I also talked about my miscarriage openly, inadvertently started a cry-fest with several friends as we all unloaded some emotional baggage (aahhh, the power of alcohol), but most importantly, I had a weekend of fun, laughter, and meeting new friends. Like I said in my other miscarriage post, making me laugh is the best healing I can ask for.
So here we are. Life is continuing along as I knew it would. We got a beautiful dog named River, who will be getting her own post soon. Work is very busy with theatre calls coming in left and right (more on than another day... with photos!) and massage will start to book up for the holiday season soon, so I gotta take care of myself both physically and mentally. In a few weeks time, we will be hosting Thanksgiving for John's side of the family. Another thing about me is I LOVE cooking, so the menu has already begun to form. I'll probably do a test run of the new recipes before, just to check... and if most of them happen to be the desserts, then so be it. :)
Overall, I'm doing okay. Some days are better than others. And we have another month before we can try to get pregnant again. Gotta give my hormones time to get onto the less crazy tea-cup ride. But in retrospect, I do not think we will start trying again right away. There are still a few things I want to do that are hard/impossible when pregnant or living with an infant. Vacation overseas. Go back to Haiti to volunteer at least once. Get my massage business farther along. Do the house renovations we've needed. Save more money. And while physically I will be in the clear, losing the pregnancy has messed with my head more than I'd like to admit, so we'll have to re-evaluate where I am mentally when the time gomes. That's not to say we won't ever try again. I still want a child, as does John. And at least now we know we can get pregnant, which was a bit of a question mark on both our ends. But I'm 26 and still feel like I have more to do.
And so I shall. Maybe this is just the kick in the ass I needed to go do those things I always wanted to do, but never did.
Or maybe I go Stumble! for 3 hours.
Anyway...
So it's been one month since my miscarriage. I know, I know... it seems like I've talked about nothing else. I have other subjects I want to discuss, but like I've said, miscarriages aren't talked about and it should be. And dealing with the post-event is just as important as the actual event. I have talked with so many women in my life, learning from their experiences and them learning from mine. It is amazing to hear everyone's stories and has helped me get thru those hard days.
This past month has been a trial, that is for sure. The first week post-miscarriage was scary, but not the way you would imagine. I felt great. I had very little depression. I was talking about the experience with a slight disconnect. I worried that I was over the trauma too soon... that something must be wrong with me. From an evolution standpoint, feeling happy and disconnected with the loss for the week after makes complete sense. I read somewhere a woman is most fertile right after giving birth and right after having a miscarriage. So back when the earth wasn't overrun with people and infant mortality was practically guaranteed, it was important to have many children very quickly. And when your hormones are making you feel good, even after a loss, it's easier to have sex. So evolution says feel the best when you are most likely to conceive. It's genius really.
But then I hit the next week and the hormones decided to take a roller coaster ride. Every day was different; I wouldn't know if I would be okay or deeply depressed. A total crap shoot. Many days I just barely got thru work to come home and cry on the couch. Imagine PMS on steroids and it just doesn't stop. And the most unexpected side effect? TMI ALERT!! Sex. Total lack of interest in anything sex related. Honestly, I was a little afraid of it. In my crazy, hormonal head, sex meant getting pregnant again, which meant another miscarriage and I know with every fiber of my being that I would not be able to get thru another one so soon. What's that you say? There are serious flaws in my logic, such as there's no guarantee of getting pregnant right away (even more so because we would be using birth control) and still, there's no guarantee it would end in another miscarriage? Yes, I am aware. In my head, I understood the silliness of that fear. But remember that roller coaster my hormones was taking? You know how even though you know you're perfectly safe on the ride, you still scream your head off? It's kinda like that. Smart reasoning doesn't stand a chance here. Yeah, not fun for either John or I. Oh my poor, dear husband. I don't know how he put up with it all, emotions flying everywhere, no sex with the wife. And I gotta say, it is extremely weird, satisfying, and highly annoying to know that you are feeling the way you are because of the hormones. I'm the type of person who likes to take a step back, evaluate the situation, and try to get to the core of the problem to resolve it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I still like to at least attempt. So knowing I couldn't reason my way out of feeling this way because the hormones would keep going doing whatever they wanted... well, it really sucked.
I also, dare I say, started looking forward to at least another 2 months of non-pregnancy. Time to be able to do the things I couldn't if I was with child: Go drinking, do something dangerous I always wanted to do like skydiving, spend money on a weekend away with friends. It was an unexpected freedom... which immediately brought along a truckload of guilt for feeling happy about that freedom. I will say I did 2 of those things last week; I went to a convention for the weekend with friends in Chicago (some of whom I hadn't seen in 4 years, keeping in contact only thru Facebook) and did some serious drinking. I also talked about my miscarriage openly, inadvertently started a cry-fest with several friends as we all unloaded some emotional baggage (aahhh, the power of alcohol), but most importantly, I had a weekend of fun, laughter, and meeting new friends. Like I said in my other miscarriage post, making me laugh is the best healing I can ask for.
So here we are. Life is continuing along as I knew it would. We got a beautiful dog named River, who will be getting her own post soon. Work is very busy with theatre calls coming in left and right (more on than another day... with photos!) and massage will start to book up for the holiday season soon, so I gotta take care of myself both physically and mentally. In a few weeks time, we will be hosting Thanksgiving for John's side of the family. Another thing about me is I LOVE cooking, so the menu has already begun to form. I'll probably do a test run of the new recipes before, just to check... and if most of them happen to be the desserts, then so be it. :)
Overall, I'm doing okay. Some days are better than others. And we have another month before we can try to get pregnant again. Gotta give my hormones time to get onto the less crazy tea-cup ride. But in retrospect, I do not think we will start trying again right away. There are still a few things I want to do that are hard/impossible when pregnant or living with an infant. Vacation overseas. Go back to Haiti to volunteer at least once. Get my massage business farther along. Do the house renovations we've needed. Save more money. And while physically I will be in the clear, losing the pregnancy has messed with my head more than I'd like to admit, so we'll have to re-evaluate where I am mentally when the time gomes. That's not to say we won't ever try again. I still want a child, as does John. And at least now we know we can get pregnant, which was a bit of a question mark on both our ends. But I'm 26 and still feel like I have more to do.
And so I shall. Maybe this is just the kick in the ass I needed to go do those things I always wanted to do, but never did.
Or maybe I go Stumble! for 3 hours.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Awkward Massage: Exercise
First off, thank you everyone for the outpouring support after my last post. I appreciate every word. And a special thank you to the dozens of women who contacted me saying they too have experienced the heartache of a miscarriage and told me their story. If I can hope for anything, it is that my post will allow for a bit more conversation amongst us women. Even if it's just making each other more aware of the possibility and how truly common miscarriages are.
Because the last post was quite depressing, I decided some humor was dearly needed. So here is the next awkward massage comic strip. Enjoy!
Awkward Massage: Exercise
Because the last post was quite depressing, I decided some humor was dearly needed. So here is the next awkward massage comic strip. Enjoy!
Awkward Massage: Exercise
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
5 Things I Learned About Having A Miscarriage
I never imagined I would have the chance to write a post like this, but I guess that's how life is sometimes. This past weekend was truly life changing and not in a good way. I was looking forward to being able to blog my good news in a few weeks, but it seems you will have to read this instead. I had announced a few posts ago my husband and I were trying to get pregnant and wouldn't you know it, we succeeded on our 2nd try. John's swimmers were definitely in shape. :D We were bursting to tell, but I didn't want to say anything until we at least had our first appointment to hear the heartbeat. Turns out that would be the right move as almost exactly one week later, this weekend, I started to cramp and bleed. I was miscarrying. Yeah, this might be a TMI, but guess what? That's fucking life and you wouldn't believe the range of information out there that got my head turned around in knots in my moments of panic and fear. Most of what I read was so general (you'll experience cramping... okay, is it annoying cramping or stabbing cramping?) I got sucked into having false hope. So here is my experience: blood, cramps, tears, tests and all.
I knew spotting was expected, but my bleeding wasn't nearly a heavy as a period (which is what they say a miscarriage would be about). Friday I went to work as usual, with slight cramping and bleeding. Again, I had read a ton of info saying it was a normal part of pregnancy, so I wasn't worrying. My back pain slowly increased, but it was still manageable. As a person who almost daily has back or neck pains from working, it wasn't anything unexpected. Of course, I didn't want to over think the pain. But as the pain increased and the bleeding continued, I allowed the possibility of a miscarriage to enter my mind. I had calculated I was about 5 weeks 5 days along. Something I hadn't known before getting pregnant was your first pre-natal appointment isn't usually until at least week 8, more likely week 10. So we didn't even have a midwife or OB-GYN I could call. I also knew 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, so if I was having one, I certainly wasn't unique. So I went to bed, turning on the DVR to enjoy the newest Supernatural episode (best show ever IMHO) and just hoped it would be better in the morning.
It wasn't. I was taking a shower and that's when I saw it. *TMI alert* Anyone who has taken the time to look at their menstrual period (come on ladies, who hasn't studied it to find out what exactly we're bleeding out?) knows what uterine lining looks like and that's what was exiting my body. I called out to John and he came running (like a champ). I actually said "well, I guess that's it". How very scripted of me. Except then the tears started. And they didn't stop; all the way thru finishing the shower, getting dressed, and brushing my hair. I was actually trying to get ready for work. I got as far as putting make-up on, but when the tears kept smearing my eyeliner I knew I couldn't go. How the hell was I going to keep myself together during a massage session where I had nothing but 50 minutes of thinking time when I should be focus on the client? Yeah, not going to happen. So I called out (illness... not ready to tell the truth yet) and crashed back into bed. The rest of the day was cramping, bleeding, exhaustion, crying, staring into the horizon... I don't think I've ever been that close to true depression before. I also noticed my pregnancy side-effects were slowly disappearing... my swollen hands, my breast tenderness. Never before had I wished my breasts would hurt. Very weird realization.
I know, I know. I can practically hear you screaming "WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE ER?!" Because if I did, they would only tell me what I was already 90% sure of... that I lost the baby. And it would cost less to go to an OB-GYN on Monday. That's a whole 'nother problem I had with this experience. If you get sick or something happens over the weekend, you either wait until Monday or go to the ER. I was too early to have been a patient with any OB-GYN or Midwifery, so maybe if I had been with a group, they would have taken me in, but as it was... I felt very much alone. Almost as if they were saying "well, you were too early to 'really' be pregnant, so sorry!" I know that's not true, but it definitely felt like it.
Sunday was definitely better... if better can be measured in millimeters. Less tears, more depression, continued bleeding. I called out of work again, but I stayed more distracted thruout the day. John stayed home with me (normally he would be working his butt off, but he put his work aside, allowing it to start piling up and I deeply appreciate it) and we did a bit of dog shopping. We had been planning to get our dog this week (quite the timing, right?!), so we had be prepared and figured we might as well go shopping together. So we did a bit of shopping therapy. Unfortunately, I had gotten a lot of sleep the night before due to exhaustion, so Sunday night it was hard to fall asleep and it ended up being 4am before I slipped off the edge of consciousness, only to wake up 5 hours later on Monday morning (I'm an 8+ hour sleeper). Luckily, there's a local OB-GYN/Midwifery (my oldest sister used them for her birthing experience 3 weeks ago and highly recommended them) that was able to take a look at me within the hour. John came home and off we went.
After a manual exam, ultrasound, slight discomfort, and lots of holding the tears back, it was finally confirmed. I had a complete miscarriage, also called a "spontaneous abortion" due to it occurring naturally. The only good news that came from the tests was the knowledge that I had no traces left in me. It's possible to have an incomplete miscarriage where the embryo or parts of the uterine lining don't exit the body, which can lead to infection (and possible infertility or death). When that happens, you have to have surgery known as D&C (dilation and curettage), The cervix is opened (dilation) and the contents of the uterus are removed (curettage) either by scrapping the uterine wall or by suction via vacuum. So at least I didn't have to go thru that.
This past weekend has definitely been one of the low points in my short life. But as with any experience, I try to walk away with a little extra perspective and knowledge. And in retrospect, I've learned quite a bit and would like to share some of that with you. So here are 5 things I've learned about having a miscarriage.
1. Even if you are Pro-Choice, your thoughts will sound Pro-Life.
I am very pro-choice... which does not mean pro-abortion. I believe the option of abortion should always be available to women, as should adoption or keeping the child. It is about having the choices available to you and letting you make the choice based on your situation/experiences; not being forced to do what some fat, white congressman thinks you should do based on HIS morals. Okay, putting away my soap box now. As I was saying, I am very pro-choice, but as the past few days have pass me by, I couldn't help but notice that almost every thought I was having seemed very pro-life. Even at 6 weeks, I was thinking of the embryo as my baby. It didn't even have a heartbeat yet, but to me it was alive. Even if it didn't mean anything, because I obviously couldn't make a cross-roads deal with a demon, I thought to myself more than once "I would do anything to keep this baby". I even had a few "there's no reason why my baby should have to die" thoughts. Yeah, not exactly a Pro-Choice way of thinking.
2. You can't know until you get tested.
I think this one seems like a "NO DUH!!!!", but bare with me for a second. Our society is very hooked on the self-diagnosing fad. In once sense, we do it to save money. Why go to a doctor, pay $50 copay, and wait for 2 hours just to be told you have a cold and while tea and rest will help, this awesome prescription medicine will knock your sickness right out of ya (for another $30 of course) which will allow you to go back to work asap? Yeeeaaahhhhhh... Another reason is we are very connected via the web. We have millions of chat room dedicated to illnesses and injuries. And my god, are people sharing. They are sharing to the point where that line of what are real and what is coincidence is getting mighty blurry. The basic idea of miscarriage symptoms are cramping and bleeding. Very easy, very simple. Except bring in the hundreds of posts from women who say they bled and cramped for the first 14 weeks of their pregnancy and now have a healthy bouncing baby. Or the dozens of women who bled heavily, went to the OB sure they miscarried, and were told the baby was fine. That line starts to fuzz out. So even as the symptoms attacked my body, my mind held onto the slight possibility that everything was okay. That I would still have my baby. And the fact I wouldn't find out for another 2 days probably only made it worse. Even as I had my ultrasound, I glanced at the technician, silently hoping for a widened glance, a puzzled squint, anything that would signify an unexpected bundle of joy sticking it out, metaphorically giving the odds the middle finger. I'll leave it at this... false hope hurts.
3. It doesn't matter what people say to you, it still sucks.
When any tragedy hits, ranging from a death in the family to cancer diagnosis to just bad news in general, an amazing thing happens. People come together and offer support. Even people you may not necessarily like or want to talk to will offer you condolences. It can even get a little funny because of the obvious awkwardness of not knowing what to say. So let me break the ice. No matter what you say, it will not make a big difference to how I feel. Some situations you can work your way around ("they were in pain, it was for the best") and it does make it better. But honestly... there is nothing that can be said to make a miscarriage better. Saying things like "you can get pregnant again" or "there must have been something wrong" or "at least it was early" honestly only belittles the pain. Yes, I can get pregnant again, but I wanted THAT pregnancy! Something must have been wrong, yes the chromosomes had to be out of whack to spontaneously abort, but babies with problems are born every day! Yes, it was early, but I was already thinking about taking my baby girl to the playground or watching my little boy sleep in the crib. To me, I had a baby I was just starting to get to know.
4. Being busy/distracted really does work... until you slow down.
I have two versions of dealing with any given bad situation. I sit and cry about it (sometimes for hours) or I throw myself into work so I don't think about it. Over the weekend, I did a bit of both. Saturday was spent sitting crying. It really hits you in waves. One minute I would be sitting with just one or two tears drizzling down my cheek, then next minute my sobs were shaking the windows. And I honestly wouldn't know what brought it on. As soon as I thought I was done crying for the hour, it would start up again. Luckily, my dear husband was there to be my shoulder to cry upon, my constant support, doing everything he could.
Thanks to my marathon cry-fest, I was exhausted and slept for 16 hours overnight. Which was great because that meant I had less time on Sunday to be awake and think. Sunday was slightly better with the distractions. I watched tv, I surfed youtube for Koko and All Ball videos (except the tears started up again after finding a video of Koko watching a movie she liked, but turned away and signed "frown, bad, cry, mother, trouble" when a sad goodbye scene came up... I can be really stupid sometimes. :P). I would feel en echo of emptiness in my heart whenever I'd see a baby commercial, but for the most part I would only shed a few tears every hour or so. But as soon as I decided it was time to go to bed, I had nothing to distract me as I laid in bed. And that sucked. So use those distractions to the fullest. They might bring you a little healing. My little sister had made an appearance toward the end of the night, bringing cupcake goodness. While it started a whole new sob-fest, she definitely supplied the distractions, especially by smelling like burnt toast :D and having a great foot-in-mouth moment of saying "you are going to sleep like a baby tonight". At least we could laugh about it together. Which bring me to the next point.
5. Please make me laugh... but don't be surprised if I lash out and tell you to fuck off.
My poor husband probably though I was playing favorites or that I had a sudden affliction of bipolar-ism by my ability to shoot down his every attempt at humor, but I was able to laughingly tell my little sister she smelled like burnt toast (which was burnt chicken by the way... keep her out of the kitchen unless it involves baking). John did his best to make me at least smile, as a laugh was asking a bit much. He really can be a great big dork, in the way boyish men can be, and I love him all the more for it. But god help him, I did not want him to make me laugh. We were going thru a tragedy together and I think I needed just one person who would just let me cry with him without worrying about what he was going to say to try to make me feel better. But laughter truly is the best medicine. And I'm usually the one who throws out the funny comments to turn those tears into laughter. So it's a crap shoot. If you can make someone laugh while in a hardship, it is like gold. But there's no guarantee I will. So take the chance and try to make me laugh... if it doesn't work, don't take it personally. If it does, you will be helping with the healing.
I must say, I'm quite surprised how healing writing this post has been. I expected to not make it thru the re-telling of my weekend, but I'm doing a little better. And miscarriage is definitely something people don't like to talk about... especially with someone who is experiencing one. It's awkward and you literally don't know what to say because anything can be the wrong thing. So I'm tossing my experience out there. With any luck, someone will read this and make it the tiniest bit easier to talk about miscarriage, or how to deal with someone having one.
I hope you learned a little something from this post. I'm not asking for pity from this experience and I know the healing could take a while. It'll be at least another 2 months before John and I can try to conceive again and that's only the physical side. Emotionally, I don't know how long it will be. But this is only the beginning. The next few months should be interesting. One hour at a time, one day at a time is my new mantra.
And in case you didn't know... you don't have to sign up on Blogger.com to comment. :D *hint hint*
I knew spotting was expected, but my bleeding wasn't nearly a heavy as a period (which is what they say a miscarriage would be about). Friday I went to work as usual, with slight cramping and bleeding. Again, I had read a ton of info saying it was a normal part of pregnancy, so I wasn't worrying. My back pain slowly increased, but it was still manageable. As a person who almost daily has back or neck pains from working, it wasn't anything unexpected. Of course, I didn't want to over think the pain. But as the pain increased and the bleeding continued, I allowed the possibility of a miscarriage to enter my mind. I had calculated I was about 5 weeks 5 days along. Something I hadn't known before getting pregnant was your first pre-natal appointment isn't usually until at least week 8, more likely week 10. So we didn't even have a midwife or OB-GYN I could call. I also knew 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage, so if I was having one, I certainly wasn't unique. So I went to bed, turning on the DVR to enjoy the newest Supernatural episode (best show ever IMHO) and just hoped it would be better in the morning.
It wasn't. I was taking a shower and that's when I saw it. *TMI alert* Anyone who has taken the time to look at their menstrual period (come on ladies, who hasn't studied it to find out what exactly we're bleeding out?) knows what uterine lining looks like and that's what was exiting my body. I called out to John and he came running (like a champ). I actually said "well, I guess that's it". How very scripted of me. Except then the tears started. And they didn't stop; all the way thru finishing the shower, getting dressed, and brushing my hair. I was actually trying to get ready for work. I got as far as putting make-up on, but when the tears kept smearing my eyeliner I knew I couldn't go. How the hell was I going to keep myself together during a massage session where I had nothing but 50 minutes of thinking time when I should be focus on the client? Yeah, not going to happen. So I called out (illness... not ready to tell the truth yet) and crashed back into bed. The rest of the day was cramping, bleeding, exhaustion, crying, staring into the horizon... I don't think I've ever been that close to true depression before. I also noticed my pregnancy side-effects were slowly disappearing... my swollen hands, my breast tenderness. Never before had I wished my breasts would hurt. Very weird realization.
I know, I know. I can practically hear you screaming "WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO THE ER?!" Because if I did, they would only tell me what I was already 90% sure of... that I lost the baby. And it would cost less to go to an OB-GYN on Monday. That's a whole 'nother problem I had with this experience. If you get sick or something happens over the weekend, you either wait until Monday or go to the ER. I was too early to have been a patient with any OB-GYN or Midwifery, so maybe if I had been with a group, they would have taken me in, but as it was... I felt very much alone. Almost as if they were saying "well, you were too early to 'really' be pregnant, so sorry!" I know that's not true, but it definitely felt like it.
Sunday was definitely better... if better can be measured in millimeters. Less tears, more depression, continued bleeding. I called out of work again, but I stayed more distracted thruout the day. John stayed home with me (normally he would be working his butt off, but he put his work aside, allowing it to start piling up and I deeply appreciate it) and we did a bit of dog shopping. We had been planning to get our dog this week (quite the timing, right?!), so we had be prepared and figured we might as well go shopping together. So we did a bit of shopping therapy. Unfortunately, I had gotten a lot of sleep the night before due to exhaustion, so Sunday night it was hard to fall asleep and it ended up being 4am before I slipped off the edge of consciousness, only to wake up 5 hours later on Monday morning (I'm an 8+ hour sleeper). Luckily, there's a local OB-GYN/Midwifery (my oldest sister used them for her birthing experience 3 weeks ago and highly recommended them) that was able to take a look at me within the hour. John came home and off we went.
After a manual exam, ultrasound, slight discomfort, and lots of holding the tears back, it was finally confirmed. I had a complete miscarriage, also called a "spontaneous abortion" due to it occurring naturally. The only good news that came from the tests was the knowledge that I had no traces left in me. It's possible to have an incomplete miscarriage where the embryo or parts of the uterine lining don't exit the body, which can lead to infection (and possible infertility or death). When that happens, you have to have surgery known as D&C (dilation and curettage), The cervix is opened (dilation) and the contents of the uterus are removed (curettage) either by scrapping the uterine wall or by suction via vacuum. So at least I didn't have to go thru that.
This past weekend has definitely been one of the low points in my short life. But as with any experience, I try to walk away with a little extra perspective and knowledge. And in retrospect, I've learned quite a bit and would like to share some of that with you. So here are 5 things I've learned about having a miscarriage.
1. Even if you are Pro-Choice, your thoughts will sound Pro-Life.
I am very pro-choice... which does not mean pro-abortion. I believe the option of abortion should always be available to women, as should adoption or keeping the child. It is about having the choices available to you and letting you make the choice based on your situation/experiences; not being forced to do what some fat, white congressman thinks you should do based on HIS morals. Okay, putting away my soap box now. As I was saying, I am very pro-choice, but as the past few days have pass me by, I couldn't help but notice that almost every thought I was having seemed very pro-life. Even at 6 weeks, I was thinking of the embryo as my baby. It didn't even have a heartbeat yet, but to me it was alive. Even if it didn't mean anything, because I obviously couldn't make a cross-roads deal with a demon, I thought to myself more than once "I would do anything to keep this baby". I even had a few "there's no reason why my baby should have to die" thoughts. Yeah, not exactly a Pro-Choice way of thinking.
2. You can't know until you get tested.
I think this one seems like a "NO DUH!!!!", but bare with me for a second. Our society is very hooked on the self-diagnosing fad. In once sense, we do it to save money. Why go to a doctor, pay $50 copay, and wait for 2 hours just to be told you have a cold and while tea and rest will help, this awesome prescription medicine will knock your sickness right out of ya (for another $30 of course) which will allow you to go back to work asap? Yeeeaaahhhhhh... Another reason is we are very connected via the web. We have millions of chat room dedicated to illnesses and injuries. And my god, are people sharing. They are sharing to the point where that line of what are real and what is coincidence is getting mighty blurry. The basic idea of miscarriage symptoms are cramping and bleeding. Very easy, very simple. Except bring in the hundreds of posts from women who say they bled and cramped for the first 14 weeks of their pregnancy and now have a healthy bouncing baby. Or the dozens of women who bled heavily, went to the OB sure they miscarried, and were told the baby was fine. That line starts to fuzz out. So even as the symptoms attacked my body, my mind held onto the slight possibility that everything was okay. That I would still have my baby. And the fact I wouldn't find out for another 2 days probably only made it worse. Even as I had my ultrasound, I glanced at the technician, silently hoping for a widened glance, a puzzled squint, anything that would signify an unexpected bundle of joy sticking it out, metaphorically giving the odds the middle finger. I'll leave it at this... false hope hurts.
3. It doesn't matter what people say to you, it still sucks.
When any tragedy hits, ranging from a death in the family to cancer diagnosis to just bad news in general, an amazing thing happens. People come together and offer support. Even people you may not necessarily like or want to talk to will offer you condolences. It can even get a little funny because of the obvious awkwardness of not knowing what to say. So let me break the ice. No matter what you say, it will not make a big difference to how I feel. Some situations you can work your way around ("they were in pain, it was for the best") and it does make it better. But honestly... there is nothing that can be said to make a miscarriage better. Saying things like "you can get pregnant again" or "there must have been something wrong" or "at least it was early" honestly only belittles the pain. Yes, I can get pregnant again, but I wanted THAT pregnancy! Something must have been wrong, yes the chromosomes had to be out of whack to spontaneously abort, but babies with problems are born every day! Yes, it was early, but I was already thinking about taking my baby girl to the playground or watching my little boy sleep in the crib. To me, I had a baby I was just starting to get to know.
4. Being busy/distracted really does work... until you slow down.
I have two versions of dealing with any given bad situation. I sit and cry about it (sometimes for hours) or I throw myself into work so I don't think about it. Over the weekend, I did a bit of both. Saturday was spent sitting crying. It really hits you in waves. One minute I would be sitting with just one or two tears drizzling down my cheek, then next minute my sobs were shaking the windows. And I honestly wouldn't know what brought it on. As soon as I thought I was done crying for the hour, it would start up again. Luckily, my dear husband was there to be my shoulder to cry upon, my constant support, doing everything he could.
Thanks to my marathon cry-fest, I was exhausted and slept for 16 hours overnight. Which was great because that meant I had less time on Sunday to be awake and think. Sunday was slightly better with the distractions. I watched tv, I surfed youtube for Koko and All Ball videos (except the tears started up again after finding a video of Koko watching a movie she liked, but turned away and signed "frown, bad, cry, mother, trouble" when a sad goodbye scene came up... I can be really stupid sometimes. :P). I would feel en echo of emptiness in my heart whenever I'd see a baby commercial, but for the most part I would only shed a few tears every hour or so. But as soon as I decided it was time to go to bed, I had nothing to distract me as I laid in bed. And that sucked. So use those distractions to the fullest. They might bring you a little healing. My little sister had made an appearance toward the end of the night, bringing cupcake goodness. While it started a whole new sob-fest, she definitely supplied the distractions, especially by smelling like burnt toast :D and having a great foot-in-mouth moment of saying "you are going to sleep like a baby tonight". At least we could laugh about it together. Which bring me to the next point.
5. Please make me laugh... but don't be surprised if I lash out and tell you to fuck off.
My poor husband probably though I was playing favorites or that I had a sudden affliction of bipolar-ism by my ability to shoot down his every attempt at humor, but I was able to laughingly tell my little sister she smelled like burnt toast (which was burnt chicken by the way... keep her out of the kitchen unless it involves baking). John did his best to make me at least smile, as a laugh was asking a bit much. He really can be a great big dork, in the way boyish men can be, and I love him all the more for it. But god help him, I did not want him to make me laugh. We were going thru a tragedy together and I think I needed just one person who would just let me cry with him without worrying about what he was going to say to try to make me feel better. But laughter truly is the best medicine. And I'm usually the one who throws out the funny comments to turn those tears into laughter. So it's a crap shoot. If you can make someone laugh while in a hardship, it is like gold. But there's no guarantee I will. So take the chance and try to make me laugh... if it doesn't work, don't take it personally. If it does, you will be helping with the healing.
I must say, I'm quite surprised how healing writing this post has been. I expected to not make it thru the re-telling of my weekend, but I'm doing a little better. And miscarriage is definitely something people don't like to talk about... especially with someone who is experiencing one. It's awkward and you literally don't know what to say because anything can be the wrong thing. So I'm tossing my experience out there. With any luck, someone will read this and make it the tiniest bit easier to talk about miscarriage, or how to deal with someone having one.
I hope you learned a little something from this post. I'm not asking for pity from this experience and I know the healing could take a while. It'll be at least another 2 months before John and I can try to conceive again and that's only the physical side. Emotionally, I don't know how long it will be. But this is only the beginning. The next few months should be interesting. One hour at a time, one day at a time is my new mantra.
And in case you didn't know... you don't have to sign up on Blogger.com to comment. :D *hint hint*
Thursday, September 29, 2011
4 Days of Cancer
Finally, a new post! I've been tinkering with this one for a while, and it's long. So get your popcorn and settle in.
Two weekends ago (yeah, I fail at timely posts), instead of earning my food money for the week, I drove up to Hoboken and attended Tracy Walton's Caring for Cancer Patients continued education class. It was 4 days of lecture and hands-on work, closing with a clinic with cancer patients/survivors getting massages from us. I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but I think this class has changed how I think about and give massage.
For those who don't know, massage therapists are encouraged to take continued educations classes (required to do so if they're insured, as they should be!). That way they are keeping their education up to date, learning new techniques; all those things that are expected of a professional. I have taken classes before this one, but all others ranged from a few hours to a single day. Four days is... well... long. But it gave us plenty of time to not only get into details and ask a lot of questions, but to get to know 16 very special women and I hope to meet them again in the future.
Oncology is not an easy subject to breach. It reminds us of our mortality and (despite the many treatments), our lack of control over the disease. Many of us have known at least one person who has died from cancer. The difficulty of discussing cancer certainly did not exclude our class. I found we could talk about it in two ways.
One, the clinical way. We discussed how cancer actually spreads, how the body changes, and the side effects from treatments. We manipulated the bolstering to make the client as comfortable as possible. The lectures were easier to handle, discussing the risks of lymphedema and what to do if you suspect a deep vein thrombosis (blood clot). It was... for lack of a better work, removed. Then there was the emotional side. We spent most of the first day meditating, absorbing energy, rooting ourselves and continued to meditate at the opening and closing of each day. For someone who gets giddy at the idea of anatomy and muscle manipulation, it was difficult, to say the least, for me to actually stop, embrace the energy, and not fall apart. When I meditate, I open my mind and lower my defenses. The flood of feelings can definitely overwhelm. And I don't know if this is normal or will become a regular occurrence if I continue meditation. Two days of fighting back the emotions that come with discussing illness, death, and the sadness that can envelop one's life came crashing down on me on Sunday. I had woken up feeling fine, but within 20 minutes of driving to the class I had tears in my eyes. It probably didn't help I was listening to Dala's song, Horses, which (despite actually being about paralysis), I always associated with dying or being seriously ill. Keep a tissue handy.
As I walked into class, I just knew I wouldn't get thru the day without crying. And as usual, I did not disappoint. A few minutes into meditation, Tracy (bless her heart) asked us to open ourselves to all the love and goodness everyone has ever felt for us or thought about us. Yeah, I was gone. And once I started... I couldn't stop. I probably cried for a good 15 minutes straight and kept switching it on at random times thruout the morning. Quite embarrassing. Thankfully, everyone gave me my space (a few were kind enough to offer hugs) and I felt much better that night. I heard somewhere that every woman needs that one day a month (not necessarily during their period, okay boys?!) where they should cry and just let go of everything has got pent up inside. But did my day HAVE to be when surrounded by 16 strangers who couldn't understand the blubbered words coming out of my mouth as I stuff a tissue into my eyes?
Any who...
Beyond the lectures and the hands on at the end of the day, we had a clinic session on the 4th day. We had actual oncology patients come in (they had sent in their medical history earlier and we reviewed our client's the night before) and we got to use our new knowledge right away. The difficulty of the cases really varied as well. Some clients were currently in treatment, some hadn't had treatment in years, and others were beyond the help of treatment. I think what surprised all of us students was how nervous we all were. Almost all of us were actively practicing therapists; we dealt with interviewing clients almost every day. But this was a whole new ball game. And to be honest, having a clinic was probably the best thing for us. We had to breach that barrier of discussing the cancer with the client. I think it's natural when someone is sick to try to treat them as normal as possible and that means NOT talking about the illness, or at least glossing over it. But with the clinic, we had to go shoulder deep in it; we discussed in incredible detail the type, the treatments (sometimes the treatments seemed more invasive than the actual cancer, like having a Hysterectomy (removal of uterus) and Oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) to balance the hormones), the side affects, the medications, and the quality of life they have. It really opened my eyes to beyond the lecture room, to the actual person living what we studied. And when embracing it, I realized some of the people in the room would not be alive in 10 years, 5 years, or even 1 year. That was a whole 'nother emotional roller coaster to ride.
I can't say enough good things about Tracy's Walton's class. I finally got a solid idea of how cancer spreads, thorough overview of the treatments, and how that translates to massage. Cancer patients CAN receive massage at any time before, during, or after treatments. It's just a matter of knowing what they are at risk for, and where to use what level pressure. Sometimes that means no more pressure than if you were applying lotion to your skin (not even rubbing it in, just putting it on!). I definitely appreciate the idea of just being there for your client, not necessarily having an agenda. I usually go into a session with the idea "okay, I'm going to lengthen this muscle" or "I'm going to reduce their back pain" or "I'm going to help them relax for an hour".
But most importantly, I got the opportunity to add techniques and knowledge to my massage repertoire, which will only benefit my current and future clients. In the two weeks since then, I haven't had the opportunity to work with any cancer clients, but I have incorporated the techniques into my normal massage. Several of my regular clients have noticed the difference and enjoyed it. One such technique (bolstering the head so the neck muscles don't have to work to keep it straight) I shall bequeath to you. And the reason for doing so? Because I have been sleeping every night with the bolster under my head instead of a pillow. And the result? I have never slept better and my neck/shoulder pain is SERIOUSLY reduced. So if you have neck/shoulder/back pain, try it! And the best part? It will only cost you the low low price of 5 payments of $29.99! HA! Yeah, no. If you own a bath towel (not a beach towel), then you are good to go. So here we go. I call it The Scroll Roll.
One final note: try taking the pillow you would normally use under your head and put it under your knees. This will prevent/help lower back pain. I will say, I'm a stomach sleeper, so it was really hard to fall asleep face up, but I quickly got used to it. Also (like almost everyone in our poor-posture-era), my shoulders naturally fall forward. Which is BAD. So in the first few days of using the Scroll Roll, I did feel pain in my chest. If you do, worry not! It's just the pectoralis muscles stretching. It's a good thing!
If you try The Scroll Roll way of sleeping, let me know! Comment below and spread the good word!
One last shout out: Tracy Walton was one of the best teacher I have ever had. She's that teacher from high school who reminds you how amazing learning can be. She knows her stuff and had some amazing stories to tell, including giving end-of-life massages and giving a massage to a woman within hours of the loss of her mother. Her stories reminded me that as a therapist, you can't always separate yourself from the client with that standoff-ish line of professionalism. You must open your heart and if necessary, allow yourself to simply be present. But most importantly, she was humble. Cancer research is constantly changing and she honestly admits to not knowing everything. She really opened the door of massage research to me. I hope to be able to be a part of that in my future. The only thing I want more than to help my clients is to further massage in the world as a legitimate form of therapy. And I think we'll get there. But for now, it's one day at a time.
If you would like to know more about oncology massage or Tracy Walton, visit the following websites:
www.s4om.org
www.oncologymassage.net
www.tracywalton.com
"The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you can hope for.
And the most you can do is live inside that hope."
--Barbara Kingsolver
Two weekends ago (yeah, I fail at timely posts), instead of earning my food money for the week, I drove up to Hoboken and attended Tracy Walton's Caring for Cancer Patients continued education class. It was 4 days of lecture and hands-on work, closing with a clinic with cancer patients/survivors getting massages from us. I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but I think this class has changed how I think about and give massage.
For those who don't know, massage therapists are encouraged to take continued educations classes (required to do so if they're insured, as they should be!). That way they are keeping their education up to date, learning new techniques; all those things that are expected of a professional. I have taken classes before this one, but all others ranged from a few hours to a single day. Four days is... well... long. But it gave us plenty of time to not only get into details and ask a lot of questions, but to get to know 16 very special women and I hope to meet them again in the future.
Oncology is not an easy subject to breach. It reminds us of our mortality and (despite the many treatments), our lack of control over the disease. Many of us have known at least one person who has died from cancer. The difficulty of discussing cancer certainly did not exclude our class. I found we could talk about it in two ways.
One, the clinical way. We discussed how cancer actually spreads, how the body changes, and the side effects from treatments. We manipulated the bolstering to make the client as comfortable as possible. The lectures were easier to handle, discussing the risks of lymphedema and what to do if you suspect a deep vein thrombosis (blood clot). It was... for lack of a better work, removed. Then there was the emotional side. We spent most of the first day meditating, absorbing energy, rooting ourselves and continued to meditate at the opening and closing of each day. For someone who gets giddy at the idea of anatomy and muscle manipulation, it was difficult, to say the least, for me to actually stop, embrace the energy, and not fall apart. When I meditate, I open my mind and lower my defenses. The flood of feelings can definitely overwhelm. And I don't know if this is normal or will become a regular occurrence if I continue meditation. Two days of fighting back the emotions that come with discussing illness, death, and the sadness that can envelop one's life came crashing down on me on Sunday. I had woken up feeling fine, but within 20 minutes of driving to the class I had tears in my eyes. It probably didn't help I was listening to Dala's song, Horses, which (despite actually being about paralysis), I always associated with dying or being seriously ill. Keep a tissue handy.
As I walked into class, I just knew I wouldn't get thru the day without crying. And as usual, I did not disappoint. A few minutes into meditation, Tracy (bless her heart) asked us to open ourselves to all the love and goodness everyone has ever felt for us or thought about us. Yeah, I was gone. And once I started... I couldn't stop. I probably cried for a good 15 minutes straight and kept switching it on at random times thruout the morning. Quite embarrassing. Thankfully, everyone gave me my space (a few were kind enough to offer hugs) and I felt much better that night. I heard somewhere that every woman needs that one day a month (not necessarily during their period, okay boys?!) where they should cry and just let go of everything has got pent up inside. But did my day HAVE to be when surrounded by 16 strangers who couldn't understand the blubbered words coming out of my mouth as I stuff a tissue into my eyes?
Any who...
Beyond the lectures and the hands on at the end of the day, we had a clinic session on the 4th day. We had actual oncology patients come in (they had sent in their medical history earlier and we reviewed our client's the night before) and we got to use our new knowledge right away. The difficulty of the cases really varied as well. Some clients were currently in treatment, some hadn't had treatment in years, and others were beyond the help of treatment. I think what surprised all of us students was how nervous we all were. Almost all of us were actively practicing therapists; we dealt with interviewing clients almost every day. But this was a whole new ball game. And to be honest, having a clinic was probably the best thing for us. We had to breach that barrier of discussing the cancer with the client. I think it's natural when someone is sick to try to treat them as normal as possible and that means NOT talking about the illness, or at least glossing over it. But with the clinic, we had to go shoulder deep in it; we discussed in incredible detail the type, the treatments (sometimes the treatments seemed more invasive than the actual cancer, like having a Hysterectomy (removal of uterus) and Oophorectomy (removal of ovaries) to balance the hormones), the side affects, the medications, and the quality of life they have. It really opened my eyes to beyond the lecture room, to the actual person living what we studied. And when embracing it, I realized some of the people in the room would not be alive in 10 years, 5 years, or even 1 year. That was a whole 'nother emotional roller coaster to ride.
I can't say enough good things about Tracy's Walton's class. I finally got a solid idea of how cancer spreads, thorough overview of the treatments, and how that translates to massage. Cancer patients CAN receive massage at any time before, during, or after treatments. It's just a matter of knowing what they are at risk for, and where to use what level pressure. Sometimes that means no more pressure than if you were applying lotion to your skin (not even rubbing it in, just putting it on!). I definitely appreciate the idea of just being there for your client, not necessarily having an agenda. I usually go into a session with the idea "okay, I'm going to lengthen this muscle" or "I'm going to reduce their back pain" or "I'm going to help them relax for an hour".
But most importantly, I got the opportunity to add techniques and knowledge to my massage repertoire, which will only benefit my current and future clients. In the two weeks since then, I haven't had the opportunity to work with any cancer clients, but I have incorporated the techniques into my normal massage. Several of my regular clients have noticed the difference and enjoyed it. One such technique (bolstering the head so the neck muscles don't have to work to keep it straight) I shall bequeath to you. And the reason for doing so? Because I have been sleeping every night with the bolster under my head instead of a pillow. And the result? I have never slept better and my neck/shoulder pain is SERIOUSLY reduced. So if you have neck/shoulder/back pain, try it! And the best part? It will only cost you the low low price of 5 payments of $29.99! HA! Yeah, no. If you own a bath towel (not a beach towel), then you are good to go. So here we go. I call it The Scroll Roll.
 | ||
| Fold your towel in half. (hamburger-way for those who remember Elementary School) |
 |
| Fold the towel again into thirds. |
 |
| Roll the edges up like a scroll, but not all the way. Leave about a hand length open. |
 |
| Turn the towel over so the scrolls are down. |
 |
| Lay your head down between the scrolls and tuck the corners/edges around until comfy. |
One final note: try taking the pillow you would normally use under your head and put it under your knees. This will prevent/help lower back pain. I will say, I'm a stomach sleeper, so it was really hard to fall asleep face up, but I quickly got used to it. Also (like almost everyone in our poor-posture-era), my shoulders naturally fall forward. Which is BAD. So in the first few days of using the Scroll Roll, I did feel pain in my chest. If you do, worry not! It's just the pectoralis muscles stretching. It's a good thing!
If you try The Scroll Roll way of sleeping, let me know! Comment below and spread the good word!
One last shout out: Tracy Walton was one of the best teacher I have ever had. She's that teacher from high school who reminds you how amazing learning can be. She knows her stuff and had some amazing stories to tell, including giving end-of-life massages and giving a massage to a woman within hours of the loss of her mother. Her stories reminded me that as a therapist, you can't always separate yourself from the client with that standoff-ish line of professionalism. You must open your heart and if necessary, allow yourself to simply be present. But most importantly, she was humble. Cancer research is constantly changing and she honestly admits to not knowing everything. She really opened the door of massage research to me. I hope to be able to be a part of that in my future. The only thing I want more than to help my clients is to further massage in the world as a legitimate form of therapy. And I think we'll get there. But for now, it's one day at a time.
If you would like to know more about oncology massage or Tracy Walton, visit the following websites:
www.s4om.org
www.oncologymassage.net
www.tracywalton.com
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Videos I Love: Dead Island Trailer
Watch and be amazed. This is a trailer for a video game, but even if zombies aren't your game, please watch it. And keep watching all the way thru to the end.
WARNING: It is a little gory, so if you are squeamish, I might suggest you skip it. But you really shouldn't cause it's a fabulous video... much more emotional than I thought it would be.
On a side note, I will be writing a summary/review of a massage therapy continued education class I took over the weekend. It'll be done sometime in the next few days. It was an intense experience and I want to do it justice.
WARNING: It is a little gory, so if you are squeamish, I might suggest you skip it. But you really shouldn't cause it's a fabulous video... much more emotional than I thought it would be.
On a side note, I will be writing a summary/review of a massage therapy continued education class I took over the weekend. It'll be done sometime in the next few days. It was an intense experience and I want to do it justice.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Awkward Massage: Farts
As massage therapists, we do, on occasion, have a moment of awkwardness with our client. Sometimes they ruin the session, sometimes you both can laugh it off. Maybe you've had one with your therapist. Usually, they're horrifying. Sometimes hilarious. And if I'm lucky as a blogger, they're both. These moments make great stories and I have taken it upon myself to turn these stories into (hopefully) giggle-worthy comic strips for your enjoyment. And yes, each of these awkward moments have actually happened, usually to myself. My professional horrors are your entertainment. :D
A little side note: if you would like to use my comic, please email me for permission. I have no problem allowing anyone to use it (with credit of course), but I would appreciate a heads up. This applies for all future comics as well. Thank you!!!
So now I present to you, the first of my comic strips...
Awkward Massage: Farts!
Feel free to leave an awesome comment! Please? Pretty please?
A little side note: if you would like to use my comic, please email me for permission. I have no problem allowing anyone to use it (with credit of course), but I would appreciate a heads up. This applies for all future comics as well. Thank you!!!
So now I present to you, the first of my comic strips...
Awkward Massage: Farts!
Feel free to leave an awesome comment! Please? Pretty please?
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
It's a Boy!!!
Good news, everyone!!
On September 9th, my oldest sister (I am the 3rd of 4 girls) gave birth to her first child, a baby boy named Rudolph Brayden! He is the first boy in the family (my other older sister has 2 daughters) and we were very excited to introduce him to the world. He managed to be born not only on his due date, but in only a few hours! To add some nail biting excitement, my sister and her husband did not find out the sex during the pregnancy. So there was a lot of green and white at the shower. If you've never tried, finding stuff that is gender neutral for a baby is hard! Everything is very girl/boy specific. Highly annoying for those who are trying to shop.
Okay, you've waited long enough. PICTURES!!!
Too cute, right? Hopefully more pictures will be on the way soon. I gotta say, there is nothing like holding a sleeping baby in your arms. The only thing better is watching your dear husband hold that baby and see his eyes go gooey. :D
For those who don't know, John and I have been married a little over 3 years. Thus far, we are childless by choice. There were definitely factors that took precedent over having a child at 23; having some time to live as a couple, have life experiences, and save for a house were at the top of the list, amongst many others. It was simple... a 5-year plan. By then we should have gotten a lot done. Fast forward to now, we've knocked most of the items off the list. So we had a few talks and it seems like a good time to start trying. Well, we aren't trying trying like crazy. More like we've stopped stopping the sperm. :D TMI, right? Well, fuck it. It's my blog and I'll talk about sex if I want to. :D
So yes, my husband and I are working on having a baby. We have for a couple of months now. *grin* It's fun... *giggle* If luck is on our side, then I will already be pregnant. But we won't know for a few more weeks. If we aren't, then looks like we'll try again in a month. No biggie. We have plenty of time. Besides... sex is fun and having it often is healthy. But if we are pregnant, then I will definitely have to readjust my balancing act of life and career so it won't topple.
But in the mean time, it looks like we will be taking a half leap into the major life change. Drum roll please.... We decided to get a dog! No decision as of yet if she will be a puppy or a young adult, but we are sure we'll be getting a female Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. My mother breeds them, so we know we're getting one with good genes and good health. For those who don't know, this is what they look like.
Practically rivals the baby for cuteness, right?! Oh who am I kidding... nephews always win over puppies... but it's close. We most likely will not be getting her for another month or so, but actually taking the step from plants (and a ferret :P) to dog is an important one before baby. Expect many pictures when we get one. Squee! I can't wait!!!
Changes are a'comin', that's for sure.
On September 9th, my oldest sister (I am the 3rd of 4 girls) gave birth to her first child, a baby boy named Rudolph Brayden! He is the first boy in the family (my other older sister has 2 daughters) and we were very excited to introduce him to the world. He managed to be born not only on his due date, but in only a few hours! To add some nail biting excitement, my sister and her husband did not find out the sex during the pregnancy. So there was a lot of green and white at the shower. If you've never tried, finding stuff that is gender neutral for a baby is hard! Everything is very girl/boy specific. Highly annoying for those who are trying to shop.
Okay, you've waited long enough. PICTURES!!!
 |
| 2 hours old. Being born can be so exhausting! |
 |
| Wearing his "going home" outfit. Aawwww. |
 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| His first bit of blue clothing. |
 |
| Checking out his home and pretty Momma. |
For those who don't know, John and I have been married a little over 3 years. Thus far, we are childless by choice. There were definitely factors that took precedent over having a child at 23; having some time to live as a couple, have life experiences, and save for a house were at the top of the list, amongst many others. It was simple... a 5-year plan. By then we should have gotten a lot done. Fast forward to now, we've knocked most of the items off the list. So we had a few talks and it seems like a good time to start trying. Well, we aren't trying trying like crazy. More like we've stopped stopping the sperm. :D TMI, right? Well, fuck it. It's my blog and I'll talk about sex if I want to. :D
So yes, my husband and I are working on having a baby. We have for a couple of months now. *grin* It's fun... *giggle* If luck is on our side, then I will already be pregnant. But we won't know for a few more weeks. If we aren't, then looks like we'll try again in a month. No biggie. We have plenty of time. Besides... sex is fun and having it often is healthy. But if we are pregnant, then I will definitely have to readjust my balancing act of life and career so it won't topple.
But in the mean time, it looks like we will be taking a half leap into the major life change. Drum roll please.... We decided to get a dog! No decision as of yet if she will be a puppy or a young adult, but we are sure we'll be getting a female Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. My mother breeds them, so we know we're getting one with good genes and good health. For those who don't know, this is what they look like.
Practically rivals the baby for cuteness, right?! Oh who am I kidding... nephews always win over puppies... but it's close. We most likely will not be getting her for another month or so, but actually taking the step from plants (and a ferret :P) to dog is an important one before baby. Expect many pictures when we get one. Squee! I can't wait!!!
Changes are a'comin', that's for sure.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Damn you, New Jersey Drivers!
New Jersey has the reputation for having some of the worst drivers. We don't use turn signals, we don't merge well, and if you aren't going at least 5 miles over the speed limit, god help you. Now, I don't claim to be the best of drivers. (Why did the image of my husband smiling, patting my shoulder and saying "oh hunny... you aren't even a good driver." just pop into my head?)
But I do have an expectation that the basic rules of the road will be followed. Unfortunately, we often must share the road with even more hanus drivers than ourselves. I had to do so yesterday and unfortunately, I might be the one to pay the price.
I was approaching a green light, intersecting with a major and very busy street. As I heard the sound of sirens, I glanced in my rearview mirror to see the firetruck coming. Like all drivers should, I stopped before the intersection and pulled slightly off to the side to let it pass and turn. Apparently the driver behind me was annoyed I hadn't immediately slammed on the gas pedal, jetting across the intersection as the light turned yellow in the few seconds after the firetruck had cleared my windshield. So her solution was to go around, cutting me off as I'm less than halfway thru the light. Of course, this means I had to break to avoid getting hit and lands me right in the middle of the street when the light turned red. Not a huge deal, right? It happens. The other drivers will wait to let me get out of the way.
But the part that really ticks me off? I know that intersection has a red-light camera and I was caught right in the middle. At least, I know there is one going the other way on the busy street. Time will tell if there's one going my way. In other words, I'm standing by the mailbox, rolling my eyes and tapping my foot, for a ticket.
Of course, I will dispute it if I do get one. Hopefully they will have the whole thing on the same tape. It just seriously irks me at how completely unnecessary her actions were. It totally wouldn't have been worth an accident! But the icing on the cake was watching the same driver 10 yards ahead whip around, making an illegal left turn into a shopping center while cutting yet another person off. And not a cop in sight.
Ah, stupid New Jersey drivers. You(we) are the true genesis of road rage. Congratulations.
 |
| "Good driver" this! |
But I do have an expectation that the basic rules of the road will be followed. Unfortunately, we often must share the road with even more hanus drivers than ourselves. I had to do so yesterday and unfortunately, I might be the one to pay the price.
I was approaching a green light, intersecting with a major and very busy street. As I heard the sound of sirens, I glanced in my rearview mirror to see the firetruck coming. Like all drivers should, I stopped before the intersection and pulled slightly off to the side to let it pass and turn. Apparently the driver behind me was annoyed I hadn't immediately slammed on the gas pedal, jetting across the intersection as the light turned yellow in the few seconds after the firetruck had cleared my windshield. So her solution was to go around, cutting me off as I'm less than halfway thru the light. Of course, this means I had to break to avoid getting hit and lands me right in the middle of the street when the light turned red. Not a huge deal, right? It happens. The other drivers will wait to let me get out of the way.
But the part that really ticks me off? I know that intersection has a red-light camera and I was caught right in the middle. At least, I know there is one going the other way on the busy street. Time will tell if there's one going my way. In other words, I'm standing by the mailbox, rolling my eyes and tapping my foot, for a ticket.
Of course, I will dispute it if I do get one. Hopefully they will have the whole thing on the same tape. It just seriously irks me at how completely unnecessary her actions were. It totally wouldn't have been worth an accident! But the icing on the cake was watching the same driver 10 yards ahead whip around, making an illegal left turn into a shopping center while cutting yet another person off. And not a cop in sight.
Ah, stupid New Jersey drivers. You(we) are the true genesis of road rage. Congratulations.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Time Away
Update time! Because I've been away for so long (yeah... about 18 months... holy crap) I decide I needed a post for compacted version for what happened all this time. I will revisit some moments in specific posts, but these are the biggies.
First order of business: I graduated Cortiva Institute in March 2010! Not only did I graduate, I did it with a 4.0 GPA and (drum roll please) academic valedictorian! In a humongous class I might add, final size: 26 graduates. Here's my diploma and certificate.
Upon graduation, I immediately got a job at a chiropractor's office. I was hired with the label "massage therapist", but my duties were seriously skewed to "chiropractor's assistant" and "paperwork slave". In the 2 months I was there, I think I gave about a half dozen massages. Not good. Not good at all. I stayed there for a bit, but let's just say it did not end well. *in Forrest Gump voice* And that's all I have to say about that. Actually, it's not. I have a lot to say about that situation and I think it's an important one for therapists to hear, especially those who are graduating and looking for any job they can. But that's for another time.
Luckily, despite the economy being in the toilet, there were still job opportunities and I found a new job within a few days. I actually found 2 jobs, one at a spa in a health center/gym and one in a chain spa. I know, I know... I absolutely hate those chain massage spas *cough Massage Envy cough* But I needed a job and the health center one wouldn't give me enough.
Both jobs were paid by commission, so there was never a guarantee of income. *grumble grumble* My boss at the chain spa is very much a hippie, so even though it's a corporate setting, it definitely feels unique. Even the clients say it has a better vibe than any other spa. Plus, most of the therapists I work with are... well... awesomely cool. Most of the clients are as well, but there are definitely story-worthy ones. Unfortunately, within a few months, another spa bought the health club spa and cut all of us loose, so there went another job. But lady luck was with me, because I got a few more shifts at my other spa job and so I did not need another job.
Also, I passed my national certification test, which is important for a few reasons. It allows me to work in other states, as long as I have all the other qualifications the state requires. Yeah, even passing a national test doesn't mean you can work nationally... what's up with that?! But it does give me lots of street cred cause the test was pretty hard. And it's good for 4 years, so yay. Also... I get to add a few letters after my name, which always looks better.
More important stuff... My dear husband and I bought a house last summer! It's a 2 story colonial on 2.8 acres. Lots and lots of land, which is exactly what I wanted. I grew up on a farm, so I'm used to fresh air and no neighbors. And husband enjoys mowing, so it's a perfect arrangement. The house itself is definitely a fixer-upper, but we're slowly making headway. Every project brings it closer to feeling like a home.
Additional note: Please go check out my sister's blog. Her daughter (my niece) was born during my time away and was born with some medial issues, all of which she is able to explain much better than I ever could. My sister has also become quite an amazing photographer (if you are in the Boston area, hire her!). So go check her out, it's called Very Outside the Box. She also has quite the sense of humor... must get it from me. :D
So those are the biggies. There are little things here and there, but for the most part, those are the major changes in my career/life.
First order of business: I graduated Cortiva Institute in March 2010! Not only did I graduate, I did it with a 4.0 GPA and (drum roll please) academic valedictorian! In a humongous class I might add, final size: 26 graduates. Here's my diploma and certificate.
(Yes, seriously getto photoshop, but whatevs)
I soooooo proud!
Upon graduation, I immediately got a job at a chiropractor's office. I was hired with the label "massage therapist", but my duties were seriously skewed to "chiropractor's assistant" and "paperwork slave". In the 2 months I was there, I think I gave about a half dozen massages. Not good. Not good at all. I stayed there for a bit, but let's just say it did not end well. *in Forrest Gump voice* And that's all I have to say about that. Actually, it's not. I have a lot to say about that situation and I think it's an important one for therapists to hear, especially those who are graduating and looking for any job they can. But that's for another time.
Luckily, despite the economy being in the toilet, there were still job opportunities and I found a new job within a few days. I actually found 2 jobs, one at a spa in a health center/gym and one in a chain spa. I know, I know... I absolutely hate those chain massage spas *cough Massage Envy cough* But I needed a job and the health center one wouldn't give me enough.
Both jobs were paid by commission, so there was never a guarantee of income. *grumble grumble* My boss at the chain spa is very much a hippie, so even though it's a corporate setting, it definitely feels unique. Even the clients say it has a better vibe than any other spa. Plus, most of the therapists I work with are... well... awesomely cool. Most of the clients are as well, but there are definitely story-worthy ones. Unfortunately, within a few months, another spa bought the health club spa and cut all of us loose, so there went another job. But lady luck was with me, because I got a few more shifts at my other spa job and so I did not need another job.
Also, I passed my national certification test, which is important for a few reasons. It allows me to work in other states, as long as I have all the other qualifications the state requires. Yeah, even passing a national test doesn't mean you can work nationally... what's up with that?! But it does give me lots of street cred cause the test was pretty hard. And it's good for 4 years, so yay. Also... I get to add a few letters after my name, which always looks better.
More important stuff... My dear husband and I bought a house last summer! It's a 2 story colonial on 2.8 acres. Lots and lots of land, which is exactly what I wanted. I grew up on a farm, so I'm used to fresh air and no neighbors. And husband enjoys mowing, so it's a perfect arrangement. The house itself is definitely a fixer-upper, but we're slowly making headway. Every project brings it closer to feeling like a home.
Additional note: Please go check out my sister's blog. Her daughter (my niece) was born during my time away and was born with some medial issues, all of which she is able to explain much better than I ever could. My sister has also become quite an amazing photographer (if you are in the Boston area, hire her!). So go check her out, it's called Very Outside the Box. She also has quite the sense of humor... must get it from me. :D
So those are the biggies. There are little things here and there, but for the most part, those are the major changes in my career/life.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Oops...
Wow. Is it September 2011 already?
First, let me apologize. I started this blog while at Cortiva Institute studying massage with the intent to catalog my experiences thru-out. It appears midway thru my schooling, I got seriously distracted and... well... kinda fell off the edge of the earth. I haven't posted in over a year and it's entirely my fault. On the same note, here's a fabulous announcement.
I'M BACK, BABY!!!
Okay, maybe not that impressive of an announcement. But true all the same.
From here on out, I'm gonna do my darnest to actually keep up with this thing. And hopefully it will peak someone's interest. So if you want to, you can start reading the blog here and ignore those early posts.
No, seriously... You probably shouldn't read them. They aren't very good. Very pompous.
First, let me apologize. I started this blog while at Cortiva Institute studying massage with the intent to catalog my experiences thru-out. It appears midway thru my schooling, I got seriously distracted and... well... kinda fell off the edge of the earth. I haven't posted in over a year and it's entirely my fault. On the same note, here's a fabulous announcement.
I'M BACK, BABY!!!
Okay, maybe not that impressive of an announcement. But true all the same.
From here on out, I'm gonna do my darnest to actually keep up with this thing. And hopefully it will peak someone's interest. So if you want to, you can start reading the blog here and ignore those early posts.
No, seriously... You probably shouldn't read them. They aren't very good. Very pompous.
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